i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
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You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
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I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
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