swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
I last recall trying to play piano and asking justin for drugs. I would like to think I then gracefully laid down on the couch and shut my eyes like a sleeping kitten.
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
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