Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Randomize
