you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
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In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
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Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.