I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
These 33 Eskimo Brothers Boinked The Same Person And Couldn’t Be More Proud
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
I don't remember but we shouldn't have a problem. Unless drunk you encouraged drunk me not to wear a condom.
I think we have a problem.
17 Inappropriate Things People Did With Instruments
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
He got cut off by the bartender. So he kept buying people drinks of they would i get him a drink. Before you know it him and 8 people were outside the bat trying to get people. To by them drinks
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce