Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
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