Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
Agreed. Everyone should experience a blackout before 3pm in their lifetime.
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
I need a hobby that isn't dick related