I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
Chris' response to jim throwing up was taking off his shirt and saying WHO WANTS A BONER
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
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This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
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I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
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