Why are there hot girls at the dollar store?
The recession has changed everything man.
i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
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It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
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He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
Did you pee in the oven last night??
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
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