besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
i just remember that i was on top of him and he wasnt contributing to the event much.. god i hope he wasnt asleap.
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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