some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
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