I cannot find my penis.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
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I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
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My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
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