Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
let's have our labels/stereotypes/careers for each kid by next week.
oh how i love working at summer camp.
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
all the sharp corners in my house are covered with litter foam blocks. al set for partying
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
you inspire me to be a worse person
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
Randomize
