My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
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