i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
We just made a drinking game out of our chemistry review. This might explain my chemistry grade.
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Randomize
