wakey wakey hands off snakey
im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
So I love answering sex questions in intimate relationships class on a clicker when im sitting next to my cousin..
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
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