Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
It would be worth it to see how drunk he is right now.
He cartwheeled into the side of the neighbor's garage.
Ok, i'm coming over
so she asking me "is it okay to have dangling labias?"
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
I thought short asians scared me, however seeing my first tall asian I'm terrified.
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
I take back everything I said about communal showers
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
Randomize
