I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
Jerry, you need to find god
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
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