I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? it's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training.
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
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