you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
we made a giant pot of alcholic jello. i filled a gallon bag and brought it to dorms. desk guy gave me weird looks, he doesnt realize this is how i will pass all of my room searches
Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
You're like the curious george of whores
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
Randomize
