I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
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