She tried to have sex with him but he quote unquote respected her
those bitches were sniggering at my man-pris like they were goddesses of fashion!
...dude i pray you are quoting something, someone, anyone...
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
