its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
FIND ME A DICK TO RIDE THAT HOPEFULLY IS ATTACHED TO A CUTE PERSON AND NICE PERSONALITY
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED. Is it okay if I only get 2 out of 3?
The D is nonnegotable.
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
Randomize
