just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
i wanna do a homemade sex video in sepia and pretend were in the early 20th c
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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