I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
But never have I ever had sex with a dirty talker before, so it was something else, to say the least. I signed up to get laid, not play Penthouse Mad Libs.
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
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