Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
Randomize
