barbara walters just said penis...
i now understand why he chose to have sex with my friend rather then me after lookin in the mirror this morning. and id do the same thing.
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
Thus began an intricate shell game of nude cardigan photos
Drunk is a universal language darling
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