i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
Randomize
