i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
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