Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
She said so on her MySpace, so it's gotta be true.
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
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I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
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He's in the same dorm as me. We are sharing a laundry room, gym, and cafeteria. I'VE ALREADY COMMITTED DORMCEST AND MOVE-IN DAY ISN'T UNTILL NEXT WEEK!!!!
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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