Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
The camp director doesn't care if we drink and i'm running the rifle range. Someone is going to get sued.
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
I have so many feelings about this burrito
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
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