i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
Randomize
