I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
I don't understand why we need a holiday to become more aware of boobs...
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
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