well if you came here i would keep you awake :*
did you just kiss me??? ... dude, im not gay
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
UHG. i just want to have hot lesbian sex and eat pizza with you.
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
Randomize
