I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
Let's just rave with boners that last for hours
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
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