I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
