forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
Randomize
