I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
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the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
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The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
Was it cause you feel bad for the ridiculousness my vagina goes through because same
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
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