Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
NoShamevember. You game?
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
Randomize
