i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
don't think this is any sort of attachment thing but if I'm going to throw up regularly at your house, I'm going to keep a tooth brush there
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
final thoughts: i just want someone into choking me out, weed and anime
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
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