I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
