i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
then he grabbed my tit and yelled "FOR NARNIA!!" then dove into my vag. i think I will do him again strictly for the entertainment value
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
Randomize
