Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
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