The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
underwater hpnotiq shots? sure why not.
Tranny group. Dance off. Horse hair and dicks swinging. I. Cant. Unsee. This.
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
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