my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
i barfeds in our rink
i want tt clbm rinabw nd ride uncrn
what?
i wnt tto climb a rainboww and ride a unicornnnnnnnnn
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
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