My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
doing lines of blow through a tampon applicator in the study lounge at 7am so i can finish an italian composition that was due a week and a half ago...such a good student.
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
so far we have 6 big wheels and 10 boxes of wine for the tour de franzia. team drunkslut is favored to win the yellow jersey.
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
Anytime you wish.we are doing double shots in the kitchen,and I drank a beer in the shower,so...the sooner you get here,the sooner you can get on our level.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
