did he really ask u insert a warm banna in ur anal?
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
Then you started screaming that this was the first time you did e and that you had a 4.8 gpa, that was right before you almost suffocated between that one girl's tits.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
Randomize
