I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
I can't believe I wasted a google wave invite on her.
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
After he called me a "spirited little girl" I realized that I need to stop sleeping with guys more than ten years older than me.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
Randomize
