This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
Randomize
