So drunk its hurt
i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
whose parrot is this?
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
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