I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
All I want is dick and wine.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
i came so much i feel like i were to try again, only dust would come out. and maybe glitter
Randomize
