the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
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