i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
Randomize
