You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
Randomize
