I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
Not sure if it is a new high or new low, but i left a basket on the porch of the sorority I woke up at. It had a description of the Minnie Mouse I woke up next to, and Plan B.
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
