took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
I think getting shot is the thing to do in Brooklyn
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize
