I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
I'm in the upstairs bathroom. I went to the bathroom after class and realized this is not a shit I want to have publicly. I ran home. We can go to lunch, just give me a min
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