No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
It was annoying to wait 4 hour for him to be inside for 5 seconds.
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
Holy shit dude........stairs
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Randomize
