I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
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